I’m in this annoying place where I have so much fucking shit going on around me and all I want is to feel lusted after. Sex and lust has always been my “go-to” when I feel stressed out. I just want to feel wanted. I want to be touched, looked at and honestly, degraded. I am there now, I want it so bad that I feel sick. I know I will get it but the wait is too much sometimes.
I grew up in the big apple and rode the subway everywhere. One morning on my way to school in what I’m sure you could imagine would be a packed train, the guy behind me bumped into my ass. I didn’t mind. He was kind of cute, I was wearing a sweatsuit (optimal ‘feel me up’ clothing) and I was feeling a bit needy. Well, the not so bumpy subway ride became very bumpy and we were pushing against each other, while I acted like I didn’t realize what was happening. I didn’t care to look at him, didn’t want to talk to him or exchange numbers, I just wanted him to give me what I needed in that moment. And he did. I don’t think I’ve ever shared this story, partially out of shame and partially because it was my secret slutty moment that I would go back to whenever I was feeling a bit blah. I’ve had a handful of similar encounters, that may have been more forward but still fulfilled my need to be touched and desired.
This week has been a needy week for me and being completely monogamous doesn’t allow for me to satisfy my neediness with these kinds of encounters. Or with sending the random flirty text to an ex-fling or even sharing nudes with a cute girl. So, I read books about sex and completely envelop myself in them. I have sex dreams where I tell myself (in the dream) to fuck the person. I eat. And I now write here.
Right now I should be reading about sustainability but I may have had one too many glasses of wine and I just want to write. Not about sustainability, although it is a very important topic. But about what happens after you lose yourself with your children. I love my babies. They test every nerve in my body sometimes but I can’t see life without them. They are funny, kind, silly, smart, fiesty and sometimes they’re such assholes that I can’t stand being around them. But they’re mine. We have created them. In creating, worrying, raising our children my wife and I have lost “us”. When shes not working, we sit next to each other at night watching TV and hours may go by but I don’t feel connected sometimes. Sex has always been our big connection. Mind blowing, uninhibited sex. My wife is older than I am and she spent a long time with a very bland partner…so when we started….wow. The fire was immense and it still is when we make time for it. But you know what I miss? Unplanned, I need you RIGHT now (no matter where we are) sex. I’ve learned that I seriously dislike planning sex and how much I love morning sex. Throughout the four years we’ve been “with child” in one way or another, I can say that I have learned more about my sexuality than I ever knew. You don’t realize what you have or love to do until it’s no longer there!
Masturbation has been a big part of my life, from as far as I can remember. I have memories of rubbing up against the corner of my chair in class. Or telling my aunt my back hurt so I could get the back massager in bed. Once I knew what I was doing and how to do it, there was no stopping me! And once I figured out how to do it without, umm, assistance…I realized I could take it on the go! I soon learned that I am extremely turned on by silence. Libraries, classrooms, buses, shit…even the silence of my office space all get me riled up and ready to go and most of the time I do! Even now I escape to my work bathroom to “rub one out” when I can’t take it anymore. Or even when I’m driving to work in the silence of my own car. There is something that is just so exciting to me about having to be silent, while pleasing myself surrounded by people. May be it’s the exhibitionist in me? May be it’s the thrill of getting caught? May be both!
It’s an interesting thing for me to discuss this on here, since other than my wife and sister, I haven’t really spoken much about masturbation (and my love for it!)
But, I guess that’s why I’m on here…to get out of myself.
So, as expected, I wrote two posts and got too busy with life and my own head and never wrote again. Not that I haven’t had a few moments of “man, I really want to write about this.” The summer seems to have flown by, seriously. Once upon a time I would sleep in on hot summer days, wake up and do whatever the fuck I wanted to. Now, I am up by 6:30 (not by choice) and sleeping in is 7 AM or on those rare occasions that my wife lets me sleep in past 8. This summer was spent making sure we kept our girls entertained (and cool) and filling up our schedule with play dates, mini-vacations and library programs. It was fun but so damn exhausting.
To add to the madness, I have just started a graduate program which involves two days of classes and a part time internship on top of my part time job. Never mind, mama duties and oh yeah…being a wife and lover! But I think writing here will be a nice little escape from the madness.
So, becoming a mom is something that I always wanted. I felt I was born to be one and I still do. I just didn’t think it would be so hard. Hard for so many reasons, we don’t have any help with our toddlers. None! We get the occasional date night but we’re working this out on our own and that’s hard as fuck! It’s hard on us as individuals and as a couple.
For me, personally, it has been hard to no longer be ME. Something that may sound selfish but is a real fact of my life. I am Mama, Babe and Work Bee. But not ME. I miss me. I also have found that now that I’m a mom I feel like it’s not okay to also be a sexual being. May be it’s all in my head but it’s not okay for me to say I want to have crazy wild sex anymore because…”oh my, you’re a mom now!” But I do! We do! I think that’s one of the many reasons I want this blog. I want to find my balance, I want to find the me that I have evolved into (although I still feel like the same me, just more responsibility) I want to be able to say that my wife and I love car sex although the car seats make it quite difficult and not feel like that’s one of the worst things to say. I’m fully aware that a lot of this may be in my head. But then again, I’m in a group with a large amount of queer moms in it and even there it seems like a big deal to post about sex. Why is that? We all do it. For some of us, that’s how we became moms! So why is it such an issue, even in the queer community?
That’s all for today, it’s way past my bedtime.
Hello internet world! My name is Bee. I’ve been thinking about doing this blog thing for a while now and figured, my kids are napping, why not?! It took more time figuring out a name, website and what the hell I was going to write about than I imagined!
Well, I am a queer mama. I have a wife, two children and three cats. I enjoy long walks…wait, no. Mommy brain. I actually enjoy a lot of things that I hope to share here with ya’ll while I figure out where exactly I’m going with this blogging thing. I’m pretty “regular” or what ever that means. I actually have been thinking about starting this blog because I have searched plenty of times for similar blogs. Queer moms, queer mom sex educators (what I hope to be when I “grow” up), women who love women and decided to put a ring on it and live a semi-normal life with two toddlers. Too much?
Well, my babies are starting to stir. So I’m off to entertain!